As a parent, things happen. Unexpected things happen! I’ve debated about writing this on my blog because I felt like the worst mom in the world. I didn’t even post it on Facebook! So for friends and family, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I was ashamed that it happen.
This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way. When Nolan climbed out of his crib at 14 months old and knocked out his front tooth. When Nolan jumped on Luke, and I thought Luke broke his arm. When Nolan and Luke decided they wanted to ‘walk’ to Target while I was using the bathroom and had to call the cops. (I’ll have to write about that one some day) And now today. Oh, how today didn’t go as I had planned. (Does it ever?)
Many of you know that my middle child has allergies. Some more severe than others but in his case, I keep an Epi-Pen in my purse for the unexpected moment. (You can never be too safe) No, that moment did not happen today. However, my baby Ryan (2 years old) being the curious tiny human she is decided to dig in my purse. Next, I hear a huge pop followed by an enormous scream. It took me 2 seconds to realize what was going on and to be by her side. Ryan had somehow found Luke’s Epi-Pen, opened it up, took off the top and inject the needle into her finger. When I got to her a whole 2 seconds later, all I saw was the needle poking through the other side of her finger.
My ‘mom survival mode’ kicked in. I quickly took the needle out of her finger as fast as I could. Knowing how dangerous epinephrine can be when not needed, I picked her up, yelled for my mom to grab the keys and we were in the car within a minute and at the ER within 5. It wasn’t until the doctor took a look at her and explained to me what we were looking for that the ‘I’m the worst mom in the world’ feeling kicked in. How could I let this happen? I should have been watching her, was my purse not the right place for the Epi-Pen, are they going to call CPS on me? All of these questions and feelings rushed in. I’m sure I said I was sorry to The Husband a million times.
Although it’s still hard to think about, I know that I’m not a bad mom. Ryan is my curious digger. Yes, I could have locked my purse in the safe, yes, I could have kept the Epi-Pen somewhere different, and yes, I could have held her all day and never let her out of my site. But how realistic is that? If there is anything I’ve learned from my oldest (Nolan) is that kids will find a way. Things happen. If I beat myself up over every little thing, (I know this is a big thing) it would ruin me. Now, I’m not going to lie; I will be keeping my purse even more out of reach. Heck, it took five locks on my front door to keep Nolan inside. Maybe a purse lock will work?
I’m not sure what the future holds for my kids. But, I do know that I will continue to love them, be the best mom that I can be and continue to learn. I’m going to take today as a learning experience. I now know just how curious Ryan is. That I need to watch even more carefully and that being a mom is just hard some days. No, I’m not taking this experience lightly. I truly know how bad things could have gone and I’m grateful that she’s ok.
As for Ryan, she is fine. She did fracture her finger, but none of the epinephrine was in her system. Thank God for that.
Being a mom is hard work. Being a mom is learning day to day. Being a mom is the greatest experience I’ve ever experienced. I’m human, your human and our tiny humans are only human.
“If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” 1 John 3:20